Today I wore a new pair of underwear. You know how some underwear likes to creep up on you? These appear to be special ninja-trained assault underwear; I can’t take two steps before they bunch up in a wad and attack my rectum. I intend to throw them away when I get home, assuming they’re still on the outside of my body…
Weather in Seattle has been cold and wet, with occasional snow, for several weeks. Weather in Oakland is 70’s and sunny.
One is like rubbing twigs and jalapeno juice in your eyes, and the other is like eating peach cobbler with ice cream on a blanket in a green meadow while Jessica Alba rubs your back and Eva Mendes dances naked.
Just saying I like the Oakland weather better.
I’ve been snowboarding a little bit lately. I suck, but not completely. Last year I asked a teenager if he had any tips, and he said “Aren’t you a little old to learn to snowboard?”
So I beat him into the snow with my board.
David snowboards like a fiend. Last week he overshot a jump, landing nose-down on the flat area after the jump – didn’t break anything, but he took a week off to recuperate.
Sam is 18 now, lives with me fulltime. She does most of the grocery shopping and housecleaning. She does great art. Most days I don’t want to kill her. ;-)
David’s 5’10” tall. Sam’s been about 5’9” for a couple of years, so I’ve gotten used to her looking like a young woman, but whenever I look at David I do a double-take. Also his voice is changing, and he is a typical teenager: anything not on his agenda is “stupid”.
Bryan: It’s against the law to steal the neighbor’s child and sell it to buy snowboarding equipment.
David: That’s stupid.
I like helping people. Maybe it’s a sign of crippling insecurity, like I have to earn my place in the world or something. But whatever it is, I really like being the go-to guy, who changes a flat or pulls someone out of the ditch or whatever.
My favorite thing is translating for people – doesn’t happen that much, but every once in a while there’s a communication problem solved by someone who speaks both Spanish and English. Can you imagine how gratifying that is? Feeds both my protector/guardian instincts AND my braggy ego (“Yeah, I speak another language, b*tches.”)
Maybe I’ll go hang out at Home Depot tomorrow just in case I’m needed...
Over Xmas/NewYear I had the Mother Of All Cold Sores. For a while I thought it might separate from my body and become its own sentient entity. But it didn’t. Then I found five dollars, The End.
If you rob a bank and steal $10,000 you'll probably wait in jail til your trial, then you'll get years in prison. If you steal 50 bajillion dollars like Madoff, you get to live in a mansion with a bracelet on your leg. Just saying.
