Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Mr Breakup

I’m a sophomore in college, and I’ve been spending a lot of time with Karli, a girl I work with. She's cute and fun -- at first it’s just hanging out, having a good time together, then it’s a kiss or two, then it’s a lot of kissing, then it’s spending a weekend at her parents’ house…

Being male (ie, relationship-retarded), and an innocent and immature one at that, I’m really not sure what our status is, exactly, but I don’t think about it too much either. And we have never talked about it – just kind of taking it as it came, I guess. I suspect a woman (Karli, say) would be asking herself “Do we have a relationship? Do we have a commitment?” But as I say, I am male, so I get as deep as “Karli’s a terrific kisser” and let it go at that.

Anyway, the semester ends, Karli goes back home for the summer. I go traveling around California, and in the process meet another girl, Hannah, who I go out with, and am quite taken with. She’s really nice, and she likes me a lot. We have a couple great dates, and laugh a lot, and I’m enthused. Hannah is also knockout – far and away the prettiest girl I’ve ever dated – maybe ever seen – but that is NOT my main issue. I promise.

Now, I may be male, but I had an old-fashioned idea that seeing two girls at once wasn’t cool. I decided I needed to tell Karli that whatever we had going wasn’t going to be the same next semester. Being a moron, I thought we’d just go back to hanging out and being friends (hah!), but at least I had the instincts to know I owed her an explanation and the respect not to string her along while I was more interested in someone else.

So when the semester started, I called her apartment. Left messages with her roommate. Couldn’t get ahold of her. She leaves me a message inviting me to some function – can’t remember what, now – the next day. She is anxious to see me. I feel worse and worse.

I get another message from her (“Looking forward to tomorrow!”). I am getting desperate. I can’t break up with her on a date she invited me on. And is it “breaking up” anyway, if we never acknowledged even to each other that we had a relationship?

But if I’m going to break off our whatever-it-is, I have to do it before we start picking up where we left off. I can't have a happy reunion and inevitable mack session, then break up with her the next day, right? Maybe I could spend the evening with her, and then just stiff-arm her when she wants to make out later... No, that doesn't seem right, either.

In desperation, I go to her apartment. She’s not there. I wait. She doesn’t show up. Eventually, I have one of the dumbest ideas of my romantic life: I write her a Dear Jane note. On a piece of paper bag (all I had), with a pencil. I believe I begin one sentence “I’m not sure what we had going last semester, but…” It is a masterpiece of clumsiness. It is The Anti-Suave. It is stuck in the knocker of her door when she gets home.

Her roommate informed me later that
a) “Karli says you two had nothing really going on anyway, so don’t get so full of yourself,” and
b) Karli was extremely upset and cried for a long time.
So that turned out all right, then. If you need any breakup tips, feel free to ask.


At Thu Dec 16, 12:11:00 AM PST, Anonymous Anonymous said...

so what happened with Hannah the knock-out?

At Thu Dec 16, 07:43:00 AM PST, Blogger No_Newz said...

Yeah, us chicks are weird. She cried but had nothing going with you and you needed to get over yourself. Ha, pure dating comedy!
So did you come back to find a "Dear John" from Hannah?
Lois Lane

At Thu Dec 16, 09:31:00 AM PST, Blogger anya ransuns aka Roxy said...

Wow, now there's a method. Definitely eliminates that pesky ambiguity!

At Thu Dec 16, 10:56:00 AM PST, Blogger bryan torre said...

no Dear John from Hannah -- we eventually got married. still are. :-)

At Thu Dec 16, 11:40:00 AM PST, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, remember when you were driving, and you mouthed "Will you marry me?" to some girl driving in the next lane? And Hannah was sitting right next to you when you did this? I think that was funny.

But I can't decide if it was more, or less, smooth than the paper bag break-up note. Anyway, if you have any more tips, maybe you could write them down and then set them on fire. That would be great. :)


At Thu Dec 16, 12:30:00 PM PST, Blogger bryan torre said...

Dang -- I had blotted that out of my mind. But I guarantee Hannah remembers it... :-)


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