they make me laugh, so i don't kill them

My kids have a weird sense of humor.

I come into the room, my son is lying on the floor reading a book. I say "Whatcha doin?" He glances at himself, his book, looks at me, and completely deadpan says "Making chili."

I'm shopping with my kids, shortly after having told them about the then-impending divorce. My son asks if I will buy him some small item, I forget what it was. I said, "Well, this is the time to ask. Typically parents feel so guilt-stricken and worried that their kids are messed up about the divorce that they spoil them for a while." Later that evening, my daughter is reading a comic book at the kitchen table. I say "Sam, the dishwasher needs to be unloaded -- that's your job, and I've already reminded you once." She looks up from Archie & Jughead and says with studied seriousness "I think I'm just too messed up about the divorce to unload the dishwasher."