learning about things

I have a friend whose website is called learning for living. That's all I have to say about that.

Except that a few of the things I've gone thru in the last while (eg, divorce) have reminded me that we're always learning about living. Or we should be. I'm less about having things figured out now. More about just being the best I can be in my situation and being willing to be wrong, being willing to change my mind, being willing to learn. Most of the stuff I spew about relationships is basically "Here's How It Seems To Me Right Now". Your mileage may vary.

*****

Some things I have observed lately:

1.
A while ago I watched someone field a request for a favor from a friend. It was the type of thing I'd have handled by either
a) saying yes, and possibly regretting it, or
b) saying no, and feeling guilty
The person I was watching did neither one -- she said (paraphrased), "You know, that really sounds like a lot of work. Let me think about it, and decide if I can do it or not. Let's talk tomorrow, okay?"
That may not seem like a big deal to you -- but to me it was very instructive. It was honest, it was authentic, it was not offensive, and it allowed her to make her own choice about whether to take on the favor.

2.
Person A was supposed to meet person B at a certain place and time, but fell asleep and missed the appointment. Instead of telling a white lie ("I didn't feel well"), or making a lot of excuses for *why* she fell asleep, she simply said "I'm so sorry. I fell asleep. Please forgive me."
Simple, straightforward, disarmingly honest, effective.

3.
Person C needed to tell person D not to nag her any more (about something D felt needed fixing in C's life). C said "You're my friend. I love you. I appreciate very much that you worry for me. I respect your views. But the things you want me to do are *my* decision, for *my* life. I value your friendship. I value your concern. Thank you for everything you have done for me. But I need you to not tell me what to do, to not insert yourself into my affairs, as I don't insert myself in yours. "
Once again, honest, clear, and non-offensive.

My point with the above is that one of the things I've learned recently is that I had developed a habit of managing people. That is, of attempting to manage their perceptions of me. I surmise I learned it in Jr High, when I found that the real, authentic me didn't command a lot of (okay, any) respect or admiration.

There's a limit, of course -- depending on who we're interacting with, a certain amt of perception management may be necessary. And we probably all have aspects of our personality we're better off not expressing fully.

But I am trying to learn to be more authentic, more present, less judgmental, less manipulative in the way I live my life. It's different, and good.