Sunday, July 16, 2006

also, there's this

In the mail yesterday I received a stamped, sealed, dated, signed, official Decree of Dissolution, which means I'm legally divorced.

What am I supposed to feel about that? Are there rules?

Regrets about lots of stuff I could have done better? Yup.

Sadness about dreams that didn't come true?
Disappointment that what I always thought would be forever wasn't?
Pain, anger, resentment?
Yes to all of the above.

The hardest part is to look back at times when (I realize now) I didn't really know what was going on. I didn't understand what Hannah was feeling, what she needed. I knew nothing about women. I wasn't aware of my own biases and insecurities. I didn't know how often we operate simply out of protecting our vulnerabilities. I didn't realize how deadly expectations are.

I'm not saying I look back and think it was all my fault. I actually think I'm a really nice guy, and pretty easy to get along with. (I suppose Hannah's mileage may differ...)

I'm just saying -- after 5 yrs and $15,000 of counseling -- that if I knew then what I know now about myself, Hannah, and how people operate, I could have acted in a way that made us much happier than we were. I'm saying that I would still be married now.

And I wouldn't be anywhere near as happy.


At Mon Jul 17, 12:02:00 AM PDT, Blogger jay are said...

Sad to hear that the curve in the road has brought you to this. Life is sometimes not what we thought it would be, but--like you suggested--not always in terrible ways.

At Mon Jul 17, 09:01:00 AM PDT, Blogger Kylee said...

none of us expect to get divorced...but it happens. We learn we move on. I think in every divorce both parties have some fault. Its how you move on from there that is important. You can't change the past you can only look to the future and hope that the past gives some positive things to everyone. Being able to recongnize your own contributions or lack of contributions helps you grow and improve yourself for the future.

I hope that life is better for the both of you and you can start this new chapter happier, heathier people having gone through it all.

At Mon Jul 17, 03:13:00 PM PDT, Blogger Left Coast Sister said...

The finality of that must be heavy. It is good to remember that every experience makes us grow if we let it.

At Mon Jul 17, 07:15:00 PM PDT, Anonymous si said...

try to not dwell on endings (well, okay, hopefully one can learn something...) -- hey, it's your official new "beginnings"!


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