not that again
posted by Rob @ 1:21:00 PM
6 comments
Moments of Adequacy
Updated irregularly, with wildly varying degrees of enthusiasm and skill.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
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- Name: Rob
- Location: San Diego, California, United States
Mostly, I'm just really happy to be here.
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6 Comments:
how do you keep finding these articles? don’t know what to think. my first reaction would be that it seems *convenient* that men have been discovered to be “programmed” to not be good at remembering emotional events. it seems to me that guys may have *selective* memories when it suits… :)
and does “symmetrical”, meaning beauty of face/body because of balanced features (or should it be *certain* features are well-proportioned/well-endowed?) ;-), equals "good-in-bed" a psychological or physiological phenomenon? at any rate, the conclusion is sad for us women.
i wasn't sure what to make of the word "symmetrical" either. does it mean your right eye is the same size as your left? does it mean your equipment is straight? hard to tell. i finally decided it meant height-weight proportional.
and i imagine the good-in-bed part would be mostly psychological, especially since we're talking about women, who typically have to have all kinds of things right in their heads before they're ready to warm up. as opposed to men, who merely have to have a blood pressure.
as to selective memory, it's interesting that you say that. i think we're *all* really really good at selective memory, but it also brings to mind a thing we do a lot (my perception is that women do it more than men): we have a hard time identifying with or getting their heads around how the other gender thinks (or doesn't). so we interpret their actions by the rules of our gender (ie, if i did X, it would mean i felt Y) and get it spectacularly wrong.
Example #1:
Man: What's wrong?
Woman: Nothing.
Man thinks nothing's wrong.
Woman: what song was playing on our first date?
Man: Umm...
Woman thinks man is not romantic and doesn't care about the relationship.
and in some cases, we don't *want* to know how they think, because interpreting things as the other person sees them is work; it's a lot less effort to just get cranky and try to make them think/act like we do...
glad i could assist to further state your case. let's see if i can set some other thots off... :-)
when you say "we don't *want* to know how they think, because interpreting things as the other person sees them is work; it's a lot less effort to just get cranky and try to make them think/act like we do", do you mean men or both? i think women *do* want to know how guys think and try to interpret their thinking (tho, not saying that we *get* it, most of the time). you may say that women *want* men to come around to *their* way of thinking/intepreting, which may be true. but i do think that we generally try (at least at first) to "work" at the relationship. that may be part of the problem -- women want to understand guys; and guys, not so much the other way around. (obviously my interpretation/opinion -- i'm pretty much guessing we're not going to be agreeing on this.)
but i still like you, contrary to a previous comment i left on another post which may have left you doubting...
well, u definitely have a point that women probably do more analyzing of the relationship, and probably more 'working at it'.
guys are more likely to say obliviously "yup, everything's great" even tho the woman is stressing about a dozen different things.
i guess where i come from is that guys are more direct, and (we feel) base our feelings more on what we can verify as fact than on conjecture.
could it be that women are more likely to be neurotic (ie, perceive reality correctly, but react inappropriately), whereas when men are nutso it's more likely because they're psychotic (ie, don't even correctly grasp what's going on)...?
probably not, just thinking out loud...
your last comment -- hope not. neither are very palatable or make much logical sense to me...
and how are feelings "verified by fact"? by a physical thing? by indisputable reality? not by *feelings*? i'm not being sarcastic -- i want to understand. please explain. :)
if i understand yr question, i think there are two things going on. recognizing that we're all individuals and this is an extremely broad brush:
1) men: base our feelings on what we've actually seen, on the literal meaning of words, on verifiable reality.
women: base feelings on the above, PLUS what they think the other person is feeling, on the (possible) meaning behind the literal words, plus they just feel what they feel to a greater extent than men do. when they're angry, they're angry, they don't stop as often to say "is it logical to be angry right now?"
2) i also believe women feel many things more intensely, that they have a quicker path to anger, happiness, laughter, irritability, whatever; whereas men (by nature/nurture, not sure) more regularly tend to hide or suppress feelings. men i know have the greater ability to say "the facts don't support this feeling i have"*, and let the feeling go or sublimate it.
Which is why they often say to women something that sounds like "you shouldn't (ie, you're wrong to) feel that way". For a man, this statement makes total sense -- we're much more in tune with the idea of being able to control our feelings, and being selective about what feelings we allow or show.
I think it comes down to competitiveness/aggression -- if you view life as a contest, a competition, then feeling/showing emotion can hamper your ability to function effectively and can be a sign of weakness to your opponents. feelings don't get the job done, action does -- and action is easier when we put our feelings on the back shelf. where they fester until they produce John Wayne Gacy, I suppose...
*note: this supposes the guy can actually identify the feeling. when guys don't even realize what they're feeling, they tend to act in a way that seems to them to be based on fact, but is actually being driven by their feelings. this is part of what i mean by being psychotic -- they're not really psycho, maybe they just don't perceive what's going on in their heads as well a woman might at that time.
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