Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Grant, continued

Apparently some felt the story of Grant ended with a bit of a whimper (har).

The truth is, the rest of Grant's story was very boring. In 6th grade he got hooked on heroin, and started smuggling Canadians across the border into Alaska to pay for his habit. He was about to get busted while driving a truckload of illegals, so he ran from the truck amid a hail of gunfire and struck off across country to escape from the RCMP.

At the edge of exhaustion, he took refuge in a cave full of kodiak bears, who nursed him back to health. He became especially attached to a female named Binky, but knowing their love was doomed, he eventually left her behind, taking nothing but memories of the precious nights they had shared. (That, and a taste for raw salmon with blackberries.)

He returned to civilization, clean, sober, and smelling like wet bear. The mounties always get their man, so after a dramatic car chase he was apprehended and sent to prison to pay his debt to society.

Upon his release he started a small consulting business establishing himself as an expert in Animal Husbandry*.

He invested the earnings from this business in Apple computers and made a jillion dollars, which he used to start several more highly successful businesses. He retired at 35 to become an astronaut, inventor, trapeze artist, world traveler, and king of Moldavia.

When Forbes magazine asked him what was the most memorable experience of his life, he said it was kneeing some boy in the leg one time, and seeing him writhe on the ground sniveling like a baby. Apparently it was this memory that had kept him going through all the trials of his life, and he felt he owed that boy a debt that could never be repaid.

As of this writing, Grant is working on his third best-selling novel ("Me and Some More Bears", following the characters established in "Bears", and "The Bears and I").

Happy now?

*tip o' the hat to Tom Lehrer


At Tue Feb 08, 10:29:00 PM PST, Blogger mamacita said...

Bryan, I thought this was an excellent "Part II" in the Grant saga. I wasn't sure that it was all true, though. But, oh well. There is one part that needs checking up on. I was actually in Moldavia 2 years ago and believe me, there aren't any kings there. Just gruff, anal-retentive Soviet guards ready to throw you in prison at the drop of a pirogy. So you might want to leave that part out. Keep up the good work!

At Tue Feb 08, 10:54:00 PM PST, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I MUST read 'Me and Some More Bears'! It sounds brilliant, yet tragic. I have so far only had the pleasure of 'Bears', and 'Bears and I'. Both quite good, actually. -Kire

At Tue Feb 08, 11:44:00 PM PST, Blogger blogball said...

I really enjoyed this. Thank you for indulging us Bryan.
I will look forward to his 4th novel White Bears, Brown Bears and Black-berries.

At Wed Feb 09, 06:15:00 AM PST, Blogger unca said...

That Grant! What a cutup. You just can't keep him down for long!

At Thu Feb 10, 09:23:00 AM PST, Blogger No_Newz said...

It's a shame poor Grant didn't lead the exciting life you have. Great story! The first one was good and probably tough to own up to but this one was a friggin hoot! I could practically hear Judy Tenuta saying, "It can happen!" after each line.
Lois Lane


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