bad movies i've never heard of

I came upon this by accident on google. I have never even heard of the movie, but I liked it because I also think Keanu Reeves has the acting ability and facial expression range of tuna...
http://hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=3911&reviewer=247
Anyway, I found these reviews to be like peanuts -- once you start eating them, you cant' stop. If you like peanuts, that is. Which I don't. But perhaps that info distracts from the power of the metaphor, so please forget I brought it up. And I only actually read two reviews anyway, so maybe I've overstated their peanut-like aspects as well, compounding my error. I am unworthy. My point is that the other review I read ended with the following paragraph:

The film was written and directed by Gary Preisler, upon whom I wish nothing but ill for all the rest of his days, and may they be long and filled with torment. By the 30-minute mark, I was praying for the sweet release of death, or at least a sudden and violent attack of diarrhea, so I'd have an excuse to leave the theater. I had to stay, of course, because I was reviewing it. You are under no such obligation. In fact, you don't even have to show up in the first place. See that you don't.

For the whole review (ie, if you have no actual life), see: http://hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=7865&reviewer=247